mp3 link

Interviewer: So what was it like for you to be part of something so positive?

Asia Hall: It was actually an amazing experience. Oh my god, I never thought it was going to be like what it was. You’re in a room with, literally, there are probably maybe 300 girls there, and they’re all varying in sizes. Some of them were much bigger than me, some of them were much smaller than me, but all of them were having the same – they were all the same – you’re like “We all think the same!” And it was just great to sit there and hear them all talk and they were like “How’s my butt look in this?” and girls would be like “I wish my thighs were bigger!” (laughs) But they were all so positive about themselves. Girls came in with like, little tank tops on. One girl actually stripped off and had this bikini on and was like “I’m totally going to wow the judges!” And I’m like “That’s AWESOME!!!” They were just so happy about who they are and their bodies and they were just so excited about themselves.

You have this collective feeling of “We are DAMN proud of our bodies and all of our lovely bulges!” It was just so great to hear them talk so happy about themselves. They were just so proud of everything that they had on their body that you were just like..oh..You can’t help but, y’know, you’re just in that for so long, you can’t help but be like “Oh my god, these women are so beautiful. There are so many beautiful women here.” I never knew there were that many beautiful women like that out there. You know, each one’s prettier than the next. It was such an uplifting experience to be a part of, you’re just like “wowww.”

But you also get this idea that there is such a difference in the way taht certain cultures see beauty. Because I went to the one in Atlanta, and I would say that probably 80% of it was a lot of black women there, and they were SO body-positive. They just loved themselves and I was like, “Please, can I grow up in your family!?!” (laughs) ‘Cuz they were just so happy with who they were, and I was just sitting there being this miserable girl, and I was like “yeah…I’m tryin’ to look all cute.” And it’s like, no wonder these women are so beautiful. Look at how they shine from the inside! Look at how happy they are with themselves! You can’t help but look at that and think, god you have confidence, you’ve gotta be gorgeous. You just see all that and see the way different people look and you think “God, I just missed out. I Missed. Out.”

Interviewer: So did you take that with you? The positivity?

Asia Hall: Yeah, I did. I did. Because you think that fat is a bad thing for so long, and then you get in this room where women are wanting parts of their bodies to be BIGGER, and you’re just like “Maybe it’s not so bad after all.” I mean, you still think, god these people are a little crazy. But then you’re like, you get this idea that it’s OK, that it’s such an OK thing. And you also get the idea that being in the room with so many different sizes, and seeing how each girl dressed herself, how each girl presented herself, and to see so many different attitudes. I took that with me, being like, we’re all so different, but each one presented themselves so beautifully it’s like, you can take one cake, but you can frost it 800 different ways. And that’s kind of what it felt like, it’s like, I’m not doing something wrong just because I look different from this girl over here. We may both be the same size, but just because we dress differently doesn’t mean that she’s pretty and I’m not. Because every girl there was so pretty and they all dressed differently. So I felt like, OK, I can take this with me, and be like “yes, we’re diverse. It’s just different ways to frost our cakes.”

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Asia Hall can be contacted via FaceBook

Something my partner said unwittingly (and unintentionally) last week really triggered me. I’m nearly always only a hair’s breath away from an emotional crisis around my fitness level these days, so it doesn’t take much to push me over. Another friend said something, as well, today that hit me the wrong way.

And by ‘the wrong way’, I mean, it seconded, (well, I guess thirded,) the things I too-often whisper to myself beneath my breath. And it set me to thinking.

I realized that, while yes, it’s good for me as someone who is often over-extended/multi-tasking to the extreme, to ‘pick my battles’, as it were, in terms of the places I allocate my energy — I am too often surrendering the fights that incorporate moving my body in even the most elementary of ways. I wave the white flag on the battles that impact only me; housework, cooking, self-care. To enable this, I’ve incorporated help by hiring friends who are trying to make an independent living by cleaning houses, or enlisting the help of friends/roommates for larger projects, and I buy most of my meals pre-packaged at Trader Joe’s or do fast food/restaurant dining far more frequently than I’d like.

In the moment, it seems logical;

“Well, I could scrub the bathtub, or I could spend that time updating this website, or making calls about a this event, or doing some research, or sending out this email, or writing this press release, blah blah blah.”

It always seems like a reasonable choice to do the activist thing. There’s always so much to do, or that I could be doing. At the end of any day, there still remains a list past an arm’s-length of things i’ve yet to do. That’ll remain true for the duration, I’m sure. In a single moment, it’s a reasonable choice. In a steady stream of moments, it is a rabbit hole.

For the last year, my house has been in shambles, really. It’s been halfway-done, construction-wise. Every single room was affected because every window in the house was replaced. For this reason, the place has felt chaotic — no room restful. Even “clean” the place felt disheveled. I’ve never let the house get “dirty”, and it’s even been downright presentable at times, but i’ve let the clutter stack up these last few months. I’ve been showering in tyvek tape for 6 months, there was a big hole in my dining room wall, there was bare drywall in my living room, I could see daylight through the uncaulked holes in my window frames – why bother trying to get organized when even at its best my house looked like a construction site?

But now it’s done (for the most part) and as I walked past the over-full garbage can for the 3rd time today thinking “I should take that out.” I wondered, how many more times am I going to say that to myself before I actually DO it? Such a little thing – taking out the trash, and yet it feels like a big deal. Taking out the multiple bags of recycling feels insurmountable. I had to have a big conversation with myself to grab the bag and take it outside, and I still haven’t bothered to find a plastic bag to re-line the can with.

Wtf happened to me?

I have created some really bad habits for myself. I was never Susie Homemaker — but this is ridiculous. I have taken whatever self-sufficiency I had on a personal/household level, and delegated it out to the point where I feel downright helpless; where I feel infantilized by my own hand.

The same is true for my fitness level. My lifestyle is increasingly sedentary.

Today, for an hour and a half, a friend and I worked in the yard to set up the inflatable pool. It involved hauling the heavy thing and its tarp out from behind the shed, emptying it of collected muck and rainwater, spraying it down/emptying it of water, and then spreading it out, freeing it of wrinkles and filling it. It’s not exactly easy work, but i felt my weakness/lack of stamina as we did it. I also felt the novelty of using my body in that way. That it felt like a novelty was endlessly bothersome to me. I also got a sunburn near-instantaneously. Also bothersome. I realize that we were working in the most direct sun and in the hottest part of the day, but is my skin so fragile from lack of exposure that a single hour in it would burn me?

I find myself in wonderment at people who are able to motivate themselves to simple tasks like gardening and cleaning their house and grocery shopping on a regular and consistent basis. I have nearly completely divorced myself from my skin. I feel as if I’ve almost completely moved out of my own body. I don’t wish to challenge myself. It’s like, I’ve broken so many promises to myself that I don’t even believe me anymore, so it seems somewhere along the way I stopped trying to even pretend like I was a capable individual.

This is and always has been a huge part of my fat experience — this disconnect between my hyperactive mind and my nearly ignored flesh. My body has been a shameful reminder of my failings, and so for the most part, I have ignored it as a tool for my survival. It has been under-used, abused and all but abandoned.

I am going to try to sit outside of a place of judgment in this. I’m going to try to come at this from a place of self-realization vs. kicking myself in the ass.

This week, my emotional reactions to the things people have said to me, and my over-sensitivity as its played out in several different realms, tells me that I am definitely in a place that is not working for me.

So, my solution then, is to challenge myself for 20 minutes every day.
I don’t care what it is. Taking out the trash. Doing dishes. Scrubbing my toilet. Going to the store. Dicing vegetables. Going for a walk. Sorting papers. Organizing a room. Picking up clutter. Pulling a few weeds. Cleaning out my car. Whatever. Something that involves movement. Something that involves the kind of self-care that I seem to consistently avoid.

For a while, the challenging myself may simply be working up the nerve to challenge myself.
But I’m going to set aside 20 minutes every day where I discuss this with myself and will myself to tear down the roadblocks I’ve set for me and my body. Someday i will figure out what the root of this problem is. But until then, I’ll challenge myself to move past it.

No drill sergeant – just gentle conversation with the aim of understanding. Forceful but loving mothering.

Self-love is a complex and loaded endeavor. The biggest journey in my own Fat Experience will be learning how to re-inhabit my skin, and how to do so lovingly.

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Stacy Bias can be contacted Here.